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Survivor Episode 4 ~ Kucha opens a meat shop, and 

look who's doing the butchering! 

We start off at Loser Camp where we can see and hear everybody sleep. The camera does a sweeping shot of the sleeping beast and her minions, and then we see Keith and Tina prepare for a little fishing -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink. To Tina’s surprise, “Jeeree pohps out,” and takes the canoe flips it over and summons all-day-fresh Amber and the now more stick-like Mitch to accompany her in her own little fishing – nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Keith is pissed and Tina is irked about Jerri’s doing. Camera cuts to Jerri, and she does a wicked laugh, which gives us more proof that Jerri is indeed hell’s spawn. Keith says, “Jerri will ride the team.” Oh she’ll ride the team alright. “I didn’t come out here to be pushed around by a bartender wannabe actress,” he follows it up. Keith could have not been more accurate in dissing Jerri’s field of uh expertise. He also says something about not wanting Jerri to win the money, which makes me so happy to hear that. Then camera shows Keith gutting a fish and then camera shows Jerri. Oh such drama brought about by editing.

Over at Kucha, Rodger and Alicia checks out the (ill named) tree-mail. Alicia blurts out “WOW!” in amazement of the bird’s nest (the letter). This is the second time she has been “amazed” by something. First it was the, and I quote Jeff,  “major spider,” and now the birds nest. This makes me wonder how much time does she spend in the gym? Okay I’ll answer that: not enough time to look closely at a spider or a bird’s nest. Rodger reads out the letter and it indicates that the tribe should construct a chicken coop for the prize that they’ll get if they win the reward challenge. So they start and gather twigs and wood, and hey, even Kimmi “I’m strictly vegetarian and mangrove worms are vegetables” Kappenberg is helping! Jeff says something about how he wants the chicken badly and we can now see the pattern of the way he speaks: He is very redundant.

“The spear, the stupid spear.”

“’I’m hunting a pig.’ Go get me a pig”

“I want chicken....I want chicken.”

Reward Challenge. The tribes have to figure out an enormous sliding puzzle, which is actually a map to find the chickens. Jeffey (those damn sexy khakis) yells go and “competition music” plays. Observation: Kucha united, Ogakor not. We hear Kimmi’s voice shouting directions, we see Keith and Jerri bickering, we see Kimmi place both hands on her head  and close her eyes to give the message, “Look! I’m thinking!” Actually Kimmi does seem to be good at this thing, and Kucha wins. The Loser tribe is sad. Boo-frickin’-hoo. Kucha then sets out to find the chickens, Alicia greets their new feathered friends, and look! They have names! No longer will they be named breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are 3 hens and a rooster, Henrietta, Pauly, Ruby, Rocky. I don’t know which one’s the boy chicken. Anyway, so Kimmi appears dismayed and Nick gives her a reassuring “hug” and tells her something about protein. Liz gives out a “woohoo!” Pathetic if you compare it to that Xena battle cry she gave last week. We then see Psychotic Mike sharpen a hatchet, and then stare at the rooster with so much hatred in his eyes, “Damn you chickens for lowering my position from bloodthirsty psychotic food provider to just plain old bloodthirsty psychotic.”

A fire is raging at Ogakor’s area, and I trust Mark Burnett that that is triggered by natural causes. Amber says something about hearing the trees falling. Tina utters, “I’ll get my teen-nis shoes.” (Huh???!??!!!!?) She also says something about them being safe because the fire has to cross the water to get to them. For a moment I wished it did cross the water and incinerate Jerri, but I remembered that she could not be burned for as I’ve said, she is hell’s spawn. Camera cuts to the tent where a conference is being held by Tina. Apparently Tina is so itching to bring out her axe again. She says that she is so over with Jerri’s bossiness that she wants to slice Jerri in half when she is not looking. Okay I paraphrased. Tina thinks that Jerri is the “most bossy” domineering person and Tina is over it. Colby says something about “estrogen overload” and “lounges” with Keith in the water. Keith discusses strategy and wants to persuade Colby to his side. Colby thinks Keith is an asset and does not want to vote him out.

At Kucha, Kentucky Joe is preparing some Kentucky frahd chicken. Kimmi walks away and covers her ears while the rooster’s head is being chopped off. They cook the rooster, and they eat the rooster as Kimmi looks on with a face of disgust. Mike is still worrying about his position in the tribe. Nick utters, “Once you go dark meat you never go back.” Alicia snickers, Nick looks at Alicia, they both laugh. Yeah, sure, “dark meat.”

Cut to Ogakor, where we see Mitchell sprawled by the water like a log, no a twig -- a very long twig. He then does what he does best: whine. “I’m weak,”  he declares. Uh yeah, we can see that. The alliance holds a meeting and -- look at Jerri’s pose while she speaks. It screams, “I wannabe a superstar!” They talk about how Jerri is threatened. Amber comments that Colby is easily swayed by another person’s words. In an attempt to sway Colby back, Jerri pursues him while pig hunting. Jerri gives Colby some mushy relationship crap, and even at voice over she gives us the same crap. “It’s not like you’re making a deal with the devil here,” Jerri says. No, no, Colby is not making a deal with the devil. He is making a deal with the devil’s spawn. So Jerri rode Colby piggy-back style when both of them returned to camp.

The following program contains scenes...parental guidance...

Then immediately we hear Rodger’s snoring. Oh the pain! I want mommy! The camera turns to the river where Elizabeth is doing something and Nick is lounging like the lazy ass that he is. Then he whimpers, “There’s a pig in the water.” Elizabeth did not hear his pathetic cry so he had to repeat it (and this time it seems believable that he really saw one), “There’s a pig in the water.” (And again I give MBP the benefit of the doubt.) Elizabeth hollers. Mike runs toward the pig, knife in hand. He stalks it and Nick, and I use this term loosely, “helps” Mike by “blocking” the pig’s path towards salvation. “Please don’t charge me!”, whimpers the scared full-grown man. After some more stalking Mike gets within range and stabs the pig repeatedly. Nick runs back to tell the others. We then go back to Psychotic Mike whom, by now, is gutting the pig. Elizabeth cries, “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” as if she was...never mind. Alicia blurts out, “There’s a lot of butchering going on at Kucha Camp. We’ve reached a new level.” Huh??? How the hell should I interpret that statement? “It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve seen in my life,” beams Nick. Sure! A feral pig that is being slaughtered by a psycho is comes very close to Mount Everest or the Grand Canyon. Mike spreads some of the blood on his face like war paint and says in voice over, “If I’m going out, I’m going out full.” Huh? Jeff goes and tells Kimmi about the pig, “There’s gonna be a lot of ham, bacon and pork here soon.” (She then is probably reminded of her childhood and her little pig that was taken to the slaughter house), and she declares, “What’s the matter with you people?...sick.” PIG FEAST! Liz, who was bawling her eyes out in pity over the pig, is now happily consuming it.

At Ogakor, Colby and Jerri get the tree mail. Colby reads it (in what I could only interpret as) “cowboy rap”.

At another waterfall, the two tribes meet Jeff Probst, Dimples, as I fondly nickname him. He taunts Ogakor by telling them that Kucha caught a pig. Colby asks for one. Uh-huh. Apparently, the immunity challenge is a rip-off of one of the reward challenges in Survivor Palau Tiga: a Survivor quiz. The only difference is that they have wooden boards and not cubes that they will use to answer the questions. Each person who gives a correct answer will stand in the rings. The first tribe to put a member on the last ring wins immunity. Silly Jeff begins the game by saying, “Come own uup.” And of course as like every Survivor quiz, the editors hurry it up. When it’s Alicia’s turn, she does this little hand thing. Jeff asks what the hell that was and she replied, “Jest gettin’ ready.” Jeff asks the question, and she gets it wrong. Too bad hon. Bad editing then ensues when the editors showed the water flow from the waterfall...and then go back again. More Q & A’s...it’s a tie! It’s Alicia’s turn again and she is up against Mitchell. Jeff “reassures” Alicia by telling her that she needs to get this question correct because she has answered the past two questions wrong. Both of them answered correct. And by some miracle, Alicia, answered the tie-breaker question! Mitchell does that frustrated “aaawwww!” look he always does (which I hate). Alicia leaps up and tears the immunity idol from the hands of her tribe.

A dejected Ogakor marches back to camp and prepare for the “walk of shame”. Mitchell says, “I have a lot to say in front of the camera when I hold up Keith’s name.” As if you don’t have enough already. And thus begins their “treacherous” hike to Tribal Council.

At TC, Jeff taunts the tribe again by asking about the pig again. Colby says, “...I play to win.” Jeff rebuts with a, “Kucha’s kicking your ass!” That shut Colby up. Tina actually says something smart about being pulled by different factors such as loyalty, self-survival, team survival, and it’s all up to the individual and it is brutal (and she definitely knows brutal. Just ask Kel and Maralyn). Jeff says that tonight’s vote is “piv-o-tal”.

“It’s time to vote."

Mitchell says some crap about “relieving tension”. Tina goes, “...In the speerit of th’ uh-limpics, leet th’ games bee-geen.” The end result: a tie between Keith and Mitchell, 3-3. They have a revote and it’s still a tie, 2-2. The first double tie in Survivor history. Jeff explains that according to the Survivor “rulebook”, if ever a second tie occurs, they will count the votes cast against the two in past Tribal Councils. Keith had none, but Mitchell had one (Keith voted against him last week). So it’s Keith 0, Mitchell 1.

Bye Mitchell. Cripes. Huh?

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