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|| Kel's Bio | Days w/ Ogakor | Episode Summaries | |
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Survivor Episode 2 ~ Tortilla head the Bitch is now officially dingo dung We start of this glorious day with a scene where Michael (okay now it’s not that glorious anymore) cooks rice for the Kucha tribe, and then leaves it there and goes fishing. Now as a logical person, and I do emphasize on "logical", I would not leave something that is placed on an open flame. Anyway, Jeff notices the stupidity and apparently he and Alicia agree on the issue that food should be a group decision. Kucha eats the rice it was bad, Kimmi said something that actually amused me, "We could use this to glue everything together." It was true! As a person whose main staple is rice, Michael's rice, is definitely paste! Hell that's what we use for papier mache. Over at Kucha we see Kel (without his shirt, yeah! Good T.V.!) fishing, but with no luck. As Colby wisely put it, "Kel couldn't even fish rubber ducky...." I wouldn't want to include the punch line because it wasn't funny! Colby honey, stick to being patriotic okay? You'll probably land a job at Texas' tourism department. You should talk, when all you do is lie around and cavort with tortilla head. So, Ogakor go hang around at their "family pool" and frolic while poor Kel is doing all the work. You know what? This second batch of Survivors sure is a bunch of lazy asses! By the second ep in the first Survivor, everyone was working, now they're just hanging out. Apparently Chef Famie is not the Iron Chef that we thought. HE CAN'T EVEN COOK GODDAMN RICE! It was even worst than Michael's rice! Now where the hell is Rudy when you need him? What? Hosting the History Channel? Sell out. Cut to the full time bartender part time actress. So Jerri takes over the cooking and made tortillas. "I know that when you mix flour and water it makes up this some kind of dough." Gee whiz, I'd sure like to try and make that “kind of dough” thing! You sure are one swell cook! Bitch. Iron Chef hides his dismay that the tortillas won over the rice. At Kucha camp, Jeff and Alicia---yep these two sure are hanging out a lot ever since Alicia informed Jeff about the news Debb was spreading--- find tree mail, runs to the tent and announces the challenge. Reward challenge. Butch Cassidy. Jump off cliff. Swim to crate. Bring crate back to shore. Rodger can't swim. Ogakor wins. Lowest of the low points of Survivor 2 is when Bitch on a stick Jerri accuses Kel of eating beef jerky because she saw him chew on a "brown substance". Very accurate honey. And what's worse, dumbass tribesmen believed her! And what's worst is that they went through Kel stuff! Kel's stuff! If I was there I would've bitch slapped her out of the outback and into the slums of L.A. for she is so not talented and would not make it. Note: Remember that bitch on a stick comment? Well Mitchell---the stick---is all "Uh yeah, Kel did it because uh...Jerri said so!" Maralyn had the brains to actually tell off her fellow tribe member and only received a smirk from bitch, stick and cowboy. Kel overhears the discussion, explains his side WELL and even offers his blades. Jerri does not believe any of it. That's because you have a personal vendetta. Of course you won't believe it. Over at Kucha (I hate these names, to quote someone, they are so "phonetically” horrific.), Mike catches fish. Tribe happy. Mike cooks fish. Meal time, oooh but before eating, Mike says a self centered prayer. "Thank you God for making me the leader and helping me provide for my tribe." Basking in the glory through a self-centered prayer. Alicia, Jeff and Kimmi bitch about Michael self-anointing himself as the leader. Tree mail time for Ncik and Alicia. Wow, precious screen time for Nick! They announce the immunity challenge and received a big disapproval from Kimmi. Apparently, big boobs big mouth Kimmi is a vegetarian. Understandable, I guess. Kimmi bawls. Alicia and Jeff rant about her not compromising her morals---shut up both of you! Immunity Challenge: eat bush tucker (i.e., an assortment of creepy crawlies and slimies and cow brain). Kimmi bails. Jeff makes puking face and noises at Amber. Tina pukes. Tie. Kimmi gobbles up Mangrove worm almost as fast as Stacey ate the two grubs. Tina is too slow. Kucha wins---surprise, surprise. Ogakor camp. There was some talk about who to vote. Misleading editing: Colby and Mitchell talk about their inefficient chef and tortilla head. Kel thought he had an alliance with Mad Dog and Tina. Amber---where is Amber anyway? Oh wait, there she is! Miming. Yeah, uh-huh okay, Amber. See? She has screen time. Tribal Council. Jeff Probst (whee!) is wearing the blue shirt again. Yay Jeff! Kel gets a unanimous vote. Boo hiss! Mitchell wrote “Kelly”, and Mad Dog wrote “Cal”. But then again you can’t blame them (Survivor stupid question: “Kel, how do you spell your name?”). As Kel stands up, Jerri (the new snake/rat hybrid) lightly touches his arm for “consolation”. Bitch. Kel walks away, I cry, Jerri has a grin on her face. I get really mad and hope that Ogakor would starve to death. Can’t wait for the crap that will happen next ep.
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